Just a little frustrated...

It's emotional pain I struggle with. Emotional pain I hate. Physical pain, I can deal with...to a point, of course. Part of my genetics, I think. Part of being a woman, too. You just suck it up and deal with it. I'm always bumping into things, scraping myself, poking myself with something, falling off chairs, you name it. Miraculously, I've never injured myself to a point of breaking something, losing a limb, or poking an eye out. Never had to have stitches, other than for corrective foot surgery, or dental surgery. So, pretty lucky.

I never had kids. Joe and I met when we were both in our late 30's, just barely. By the time we settled in together, and then got married, we were well into our 40's. Neither of us had strong reproductive longings...(ok, I do once in a while...but I have friends and family with little ones to cure those). So, we have 7 birds. Those are my kids. Oh, plus Joe.

Anyway, I've never been pregnant. Never gone through the joy and the miseries of 9 months of gestation. So, it's hard to relate. But in the past few years I've had some female issues come into play. And, now, I'm feeling a bit unpleasant.

Several years back I was diagnosed with a fibroid...one of those "female tumors"...I didn't have much of a problem with it at the time. But since then it has grown, and grown, and grown. I've had a few ultrasounds to diagnose the position and size. It's on the exterior of my uterus, on a stalk, growing out and about. The last check showed it to be nearly up to my belly button. The size of two grapefruit, or something like that. But I've been lucky, and only had occasional discomfort.

I've had some frustration with the doctor's office I was going to. First they made a big deal about the fibroid..."Oh, you need to have another ultrasound, since it's getting bigger". Let me tell you this, those ultrasounds are not exactly pleasant. There's poking and prodding, and, soreness afterward. It's much less invasive than other things, I know. Plus, the cost isn't exactly small beans. We have insurance, but it doesn't cover all of it. Not close enough by me, anyway.

Anyway, after I had the test I called to find out the results. They acted like it was an imposition to find the results and confer with me. And, to top it all off, I never even talked or met with the actual doctor in the office. Her assistant did the exam, recommended the test, and then couldn't remember who I was later. They told me that the test showed there really wasn't much change, and that we should just "wait and see. The doctor would like to examine you herself next time, she may have a different take on the situation. Come back in 6 months or so." Oh.

Now, I'm not all fired up to be cut open. I've done my research. I know these things, generally, aren't lethal. They cause problems for many, but not all. I'm well into my 40's, and perimenopause, and hot flashes, are common visitors in my person these days. It's known that these things can shrink after menopause. But that could still be 5-10 years away. In the meantime...

I haven't really done my job of finding a new doctor. I did find a great GP, whom I trust. The past few weeks I've been having some pain. Hot flashes. Pain radiating from my abdomen up, some back pain, and it has been waking me up, and making it a little more difficult to sleep. My cycles are a little goofed up, too. So, I decided to see my GP. Maybe a bladder infection, something like that?

So, I saw the doc this morning. He said there is a slight possibility of an infection, but he doesn't really think so. He checked me over. His instincts are leaning towards the fibroid causing the pain. So, we discussed it further. By his estimation, it's up to my belly button. Or, rather, it has pushed my uterus up to my belly button. Where most women find it once they are in the latter months of pregnancy.

I tried to talk him out of the test. But the discomfort is turning into pain. And I don't exactly like the idea of it crowding out all my other organs. So, I agreed.

But then what? There are a few different options available. But due to the position, and the size of the fibroid, there won't be as many as for some. Do I go on some kind of hormone drug to reduce its size before trying to remove it? Hysterectomy? Myomectomy? Have the blood supply to it cut off and let it die a slow, painful death and then, possibly, have it roam around freely in my body? Not too keen on that.

I'm lucky. I know. It's not cancer. I haven't ended up in an emergency room with an emergency hysterectomy. Hopefully, we'll sort it out and just be done with the whole thing.

It's just been frustrating. I really felt like a number at the one clinic. I'm lucky to have found a GP that I can trust.

Been there? Done that? Wanna share your experience? I'd be happy to hear from you.

Calling All Angels

Isn't he beautiful? My 2-1/2 year-old nephew, Nathan. He's as sweet as he looks, too. A happy, loving, adorable child. I must admit, I've got a serious crush on him.

Tomorrow this beautiful boy is undergoing surgery to remove a tumor in his abdomen. Based on an illness that began nearly a year ago, the doctors are pretty certain that this tumor is a Neuroblastoma. He began having neurological difficulties in January of last year. The symptoms were subtle, and not apparent at first. It wasn't until spring that they finally came up with a diagnosis of OMS (opsoclonus myoclonus syndrome, possibly with neuroblastoma). This is a very rare disease (maybe 700 cases per year), and primarily a pediatric, early childhood disease.

Nathan, his parents, brother, and close family have been on this roller-coaster ride since then. At the time of his diagnosis Nathan had regressed from a walking toddler saying some of his first words, to a toddler that could barely sit up on his own. He had tremors, emotional issues, and was having a difficult time eating solid foods any longer. The doctors at Children's Hospital of Milwaukee made the diagnosis and began aggressive treatment. He had scan after scan looking for the tumor that usually precedes this condition. They found none. This was a relief.

They began chemotherapy and imunoglobulin therapy. They put him on a year or more regimen of steroids that cost over $30,000 per month. He has monthly transfusions. But, his progress was amazing. By the time he left the hospital he was walking again. Regaining some strength. Within months, by the time of his 2nd birthday party in July, he was running. Miracle of miracles. Makes me cry just thinking about it.

He has speech therapy, physical therapy, he still takes steroid injections, he has a transfusion each month. He's been lucky, he hasn't had many of the side effects that come with the steroids he's getting. He's energetic. He loves The Wiggles. He can jump up and down to music endlessly. He loves Richard Simmons' "Sweatin to the Oldies" and knows the routines.

Earlier in the fall of 2008 he had a check-up with a series of tests which turned up clean. No sign of the cells that belong to a Neuroblastoma. Or so we thought. When he had his 6-month MRI, shortly before Christmas, they found a growth above one of his kidneys. This was an incredible blow, since he had recently had such a great medical review. My sister and her husband were knocked out shocked. It took time to catch their breath. The hope was that Nathan's body had already fought off the Neuroblastoma, and that was the reason for his illness. But this time, the OMS was a precursor to the tumor. Because of that, and the regular MRI's, etc., they were able to catch it early.

All signs seem to show that this tumor is exclusive. That it hasn't spread. But until the tumor is removed, and the pathology known, and prognosis and any further treatment determined, we'll have to wait. I pray that the surgery tomorrow goes smoothly. That they are able to remove it all. There is no spread of the tumor. That he will recover without regression. That he will not be in too much pain. That he will soon be a very healthy, cancer-free boy.

What I'm asking for, dear readers, is a Calling of Angels. Whether you believe in God or not, whether you belong to a church or not, that doesn't matter. This is a request for prayer, good karma, good wishes, from you, dear readers. From anyone reading this post. From anyone who wants to share this post. Please, take a moment, say a prayer, make a wish, just send a warm thought, a warm virtual hug to a small child, out through the cosmos and back again.

Life is a beautiful thing. I already know that Nathan's life is a loving one. I pray that it's also a very long one.

Thank you....Kimberly