Sunday, February 27, 2011

At first I couldn't sleep. Now, it's all I want to do...

Six months. Goes by in a blink. So hard to believe, but she's been gone six months. Oh, how I miss you, Mom. I think of you all the time. And when I'm not thinking of you, something, the smallest thing, brings you back to my mind.

I have been prone to bouts of insomnia during times of stress. All summer long, while you were sick I had trouble sleeping. I tried relaxation, ambien, wine, walks, music. My brain wouldn't shut off, and when it finally did and I started to fall asleep my legs took over and walked miles all night.

I remember the day it changed. Your life was coming to an abrupt end. We had no idea it was going to happen so fast. You never wanted to talk about wills, or power of attorney--things like that. But now we were running out of time. I went to your house and we talked a bit about it again, and decided that I would print everything out for you to read and sign. Then I had to find witnesses to sign the papers. I remembered the name of one of the pastors at the church you and Laura attended and looked him up. Called him. He was so kind and willing to help. He and his wife came by so quickly. I brought out the papers and read them out loud to both you and the pastor and his wife. After reading the will you looked at me and you said "Very Good". One of the last coherent things I ever heard you say.

Then the pastor sat with you and read from scripture. It's not my thing, I'm afraid I couldn't tell you which bit he read. But he read it to you, and then prayed with you. He told you that you would be going to heaven, and you said you"hoped so". He said he "knew so". That's when every fiber in my being calmed. Something went click and I knew that I would actually be able to sleep that night. It was a long day and night. I didn't get home until after midnight. But I did sleep.

I went to work the next morning and by early afternoon the call came from Cheryl telling me that you were truly dying and that there wasn't much time left. I left work and went straight to Oostburg. There were no more conversations to be had. It was true. You were leaving.

And then you were gone.

Afterward I did have trouble sleeping from time to time. But once I slept it was all I wanted to do. It's all I want to do now. I've been a night owl my whole life. I like to sleep in. But it's different now. Sundays are the worst. I tell Joe, when he comes into the bedroom to see me sleeping still, "give me a reason", "what's my motivation to get up and join the world today?". Eventually, I do get up. I do what is necessary, and that's about it. Hey, the vacuuming is done, the bed is made. Whoop-dee-doo.

I'm trying. I really am. I feel ashamed. Other people, normal people, get up early. They get things done. By the time I get going (unless it's a work day) it's already noon. As if I don't already have enough guilt in my life, there's this. I know that I'll stay up late. I'll do some chores, take care of the birds, surf a little web, watch something on Netflix, crochet. But I'm missing the flame, the flicker, the gusto. Maybe it's just winter blues, maybe the spring will make it better. I hope so. In the meantime, I'm in a walking coma.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Everyone is there but Google

He was probably hanging out with me in another room when Joe snapped this photo of all 8 budgies just hanging out. The two newest inside the cage bottom right are "Widget" and "Browser". They are adapting nicely. Hanging out with the rest of the gang, chattering away, and allowing me to help them when they flutter to the floor as they get used to flying around the room.

So, we have 9 birds now. My nephew, Nathan, visited on Tuesday. When I explained that we have 9, he said that we should really get 1 more so that we have 10. "Mmmm," I said, "we'll see." I don't really think we'll be adding another for some time. But, famous last words...

I was going to log on and blog about the chaos and emotions and uncertainty of my life as of late, but it's late, and I'm tired, and all cried out. So, tonight it will just be a brief introduction to the latest version of the flock, and a wish to all for better days.

So bundle up, friends. It's cold out there. Valentine's Day is soon to arrive. Are you prepared, or are you feeling all "so what" about it like me? I actually like valentine's day. Pretty much always have. Even when I wasn't in a romance. I think it's a great opportunity to let someone in your life know they are special. Man, woman, child. Bird. But this year, I'm not feeling it. Even though I'm grateful for so many people (and creatures) in my life, I'm just not feeling it.

Maybe something will change. Maybe a wash of all gooey V-day sentiment will flow over me.
I'm doubting it. But you never know.

Maybe number 10 will show up and make my day.

Happy Valentine's to all....